The imposter syndrome may be common enough when starting out in a new field, particularly when advanced enough to feel like you should know more, but not advanced enough to actually know it.
I’ve had what seems to be a similar feeling in various career pursuits, but it does not quite capture my experience.
I would rather say, it’s more a feeling of not being a part of it all. That somehow there is something that keeps me from fully integrating, so no matter how skillful I may become in the pursuit, I will never really feel in complete harmony.
This is perhaps better described through the example of living in a foreign country for a long (many years) period of time and then returning to what was once your home. At a certain point, you become so entrenched in the country you live in, you really feel a part of it … however, a certain unease inside reminds you that you’ll never really fully integrate.
The day comes you return to your own country, your own home, and anticipate the familiarity and the sense of ease. The reality is an uncomfortable reckoning that although you may still live your past experiences and retain your fond memories from your home land, you’ve changed with your time away and new experiences. You can tell your stories, but you begin to notice that nobody can really relate.
It’s a strange experience, where you suddenly feel between countries, somewhere over the ocean, not really a part of where you had been, and no longer fully a part of the humour, culture and general experience of your native home.
I’ve felt that through extensive travels, but also in career pursuits. I may become fully integrated, at some level, and respected, at some level, but inside there are parts of me spread out in other pursuits, preventing me from feeling that I am ever truly a part of any of the pursuits I engage in.
Rather than being an imposter, I feel more like I am undercover. People do not realize that I’m not fully involved; that part of me sees everything from a very different and external perspective. That I don’t believe the mantras of the domain, and am as much an observer as a participant.
There are advantages and disadvantages to this level covert restraint, but one that stands out is when aspects of injustice come to the fore, it becomes more difficult to idly stand by.
Fully integrating oneself in a field undermines our ability to resist. There are few direct options. It is your life. Exploitative treatment, when it is the status quo is difficult to confront. Doing so is an impediment to success and a nuisance to others hoping to achieve.
It’s hard to fight the system, if in doing so, it will eat you down and prevent you from realizing your own goals.
There are too many adversaries, and there is too much vulnerability along the way.
There are no allies, within the system.